I don't think you love me anymore.
I don't know why you've turned from the most hearty person I know, into the most heartless.\
/flashback/
I remember that one afternoon approaching night in Kemang, we were driving in the car some time after PopCon, I was upset that you weren't involved in the event and leave me when you're not interested in what I'm doing.
You cried and told me you don't want to ever disappoint me. I said, "it's okay baby, I don't mean to upset you." and you hugged me tight and said you love me.
/today/
I woke up with stomach pain, I am on my second day of period. The headache I've had since last night still lingers. You have been cold for days.
A few days prior, you told me about your plan to purchase a land or apartment in Bekasi for an investment. I was trying to be as supportive, listening to your stories and giving feedbacks as you go.
Until you said, "I am buying this for our future, too." and I flinched. I don't know what came over me. I was unaware of what my body responded with. I didn't know why that was my reaction. And then it hit me. I have been terrified for the last 6 months. Your mood swings have been unbearable to the point that I often get nightmares, of how marriage life would torture me if you bring your mood swings along, I dream of being alone in a house, you left to go to your mums' because we had fought. In these dreams I contemplate to hurt myself, and I am scared. I am terrified.
Today I woke up after you had called me. I curled in bed from pain for another few hours until I got up and got dressed. I called up GoJek after my parents shouted at me for not doing enough for them, my mum told me that I am wild and I am not a good person, my father ignored me but made remarks about something that I refuse to fathom. I couldn't wait to get to the office and see you.
My stomach was excruciating, it felt like a war zone. My head was trembling, I could feel my brain moving. I took the gojek to the office. I went in not knowing what mood you're in. You smiled and replied to my greetings. You took me in your embrace and asked me if the headache is gone, I lied, I didn't want to ruin your day just as I enter the office, I did tell you that my stomach hurt because it really did. You hugged me and said, "we got a big project!" I asked what it is and you explained. When it comes to business, I want to be as professional as I can, I tell you when I think something doesn't feel right, and expect you to do the same. But you can't. You gruntled, you took your laptop and half-slammed it on your desk, I went to the bathroom to ease my headache. I came back to edit the video I had to upload today. You were on a very pissy mood, a 180 degree turn from the mood your were in just 15 minutes before. I asked softly, "is it too little?" referring to the pay you would get for the project. You said you don't give a fuck. "IN FACT, I'LL JUST ASK THEM TO SEND ALL THE MONEY TO YOU, AND YOU CAN SEND ME WHATEVER YOU WANT." you said.
No, no, I've just started my day, and it's done.
that's it, after the screaming at home, the hot weather, the physical pain, I've had enough.
I put my hands over my face and started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I felt weak, I hate crying in front of people. But I did. In the midst of me trying to stop crying, fighting back tears as hard as I could,
I heard you humming to a song.
humming.
while I was sobbing next to you.
I felt so angry and even more upset than I was, I moved myself and curled in the bathroom floor whilst sobbing. It wasn't until 45 minutes -or so, I heard your footsteps coming towards the bathroom, and you said, "I gotta go pray."
That's it.
You left.
It's now 3.01 AM, not a single 'sorry', no "good night's", no "I love you."
You no longer know 'sorry',
you no longer spare time to love me,
you let me sob and hurt for days,
you no longer say, 'u okay?'
you don't ask me on dates unless I ask,
you don't start talking unless I start,
your pride is more precious than my smile,
you haven't been the same for a while,
Tell me, what am I holding on to?
