I don't think you love me anymore.
I don't know why you've turned from the most hearty person I know, into the most heartless.\
/flashback/
I remember that one afternoon approaching night in Kemang, we were driving in the car some time after PopCon, I was upset that you weren't involved in the event and leave me when you're not interested in what I'm doing.
You cried and told me you don't want to ever disappoint me. I said, "it's okay baby, I don't mean to upset you." and you hugged me tight and said you love me.
/today/
I woke up with stomach pain, I am on my second day of period. The headache I've had since last night still lingers. You have been cold for days.
A few days prior, you told me about your plan to purchase a land or apartment in Bekasi for an investment. I was trying to be as supportive, listening to your stories and giving feedbacks as you go.
Until you said, "I am buying this for our future, too." and I flinched. I don't know what came over me. I was unaware of what my body responded with. I didn't know why that was my reaction. And then it hit me. I have been terrified for the last 6 months. Your mood swings have been unbearable to the point that I often get nightmares, of how marriage life would torture me if you bring your mood swings along, I dream of being alone in a house, you left to go to your mums' because we had fought. In these dreams I contemplate to hurt myself, and I am scared. I am terrified.
Today I woke up after you had called me. I curled in bed from pain for another few hours until I got up and got dressed. I called up GoJek after my parents shouted at me for not doing enough for them, my mum told me that I am wild and I am not a good person, my father ignored me but made remarks about something that I refuse to fathom. I couldn't wait to get to the office and see you.
My stomach was excruciating, it felt like a war zone. My head was trembling, I could feel my brain moving. I took the gojek to the office. I went in not knowing what mood you're in. You smiled and replied to my greetings. You took me in your embrace and asked me if the headache is gone, I lied, I didn't want to ruin your day just as I enter the office, I did tell you that my stomach hurt because it really did. You hugged me and said, "we got a big project!" I asked what it is and you explained. When it comes to business, I want to be as professional as I can, I tell you when I think something doesn't feel right, and expect you to do the same. But you can't. You gruntled, you took your laptop and half-slammed it on your desk, I went to the bathroom to ease my headache. I came back to edit the video I had to upload today. You were on a very pissy mood, a 180 degree turn from the mood your were in just 15 minutes before. I asked softly, "is it too little?" referring to the pay you would get for the project. You said you don't give a fuck. "IN FACT, I'LL JUST ASK THEM TO SEND ALL THE MONEY TO YOU, AND YOU CAN SEND ME WHATEVER YOU WANT." you said.
No, no, I've just started my day, and it's done.
that's it, after the screaming at home, the hot weather, the physical pain, I've had enough.
I put my hands over my face and started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't stop. I felt weak, I hate crying in front of people. But I did. In the midst of me trying to stop crying, fighting back tears as hard as I could,
I heard you humming to a song.
humming.
while I was sobbing next to you.
I felt so angry and even more upset than I was, I moved myself and curled in the bathroom floor whilst sobbing. It wasn't until 45 minutes -or so, I heard your footsteps coming towards the bathroom, and you said, "I gotta go pray."
That's it.
You left.
It's now 3.01 AM, not a single 'sorry', no "good night's", no "I love you."
You no longer know 'sorry',
you no longer spare time to love me,
you let me sob and hurt for days,
you no longer say, 'u okay?'
you don't ask me on dates unless I ask,
you don't start talking unless I start,
your pride is more precious than my smile,
you haven't been the same for a while,
Tell me, what am I holding on to?
Friday, 7 April 2017
Thursday, 4 February 2016
FIRST PHOTO (D3)
this is the first photo of us ever taken?
with only the two of us.
G took this during Cheese's Student Council Leadership innaguration.
Screen Shot the first thing he texts you (D2)
He wakes me up each morning at 5-ish to remind me to pray.
And sometimes the text wakes me up, sometimes I snored a little longer. >.<
- N
BEGINNING. (D1)
Hey Bee, we wanted to do that 29 days challenge, but figured out we would be too busy to do that on instagram..
But I thought I'd do it here.
I remember my first day at IPMI, I hated every bone in my body that woke me up that day to go to campus for OSPEK. I knew that if this "Ospek" was going to be the traditional bullying rally like what they have in Indonesia, I would walk out and call myself a cab home.
What do I have to fear? expulsion? yeah right, my dad has paid for pre-installment tuition, and I wasn't too eager to make friends anyways. I wouldn't have cared if my seniors hated me.
They took me by surprise when all we did was a game of Amazing Race and BBQ after. I remember You were with G in one of the posts, but his personality was louder, so I remembered his name by the end of the day, but not yours.
Fast forward to months later, my batch and I were secluded since we had a different studying method than others, and I didn't know any of the guys from your batch either, except Yan because he wanted to come to Finland with my batch. After Finland, Tea and I tried to mingle with your batch and joined the Makrab that your batch planned, but you didn't show up. I heard you broke up with your girlfriend, and I only nodded, since I really don't like to be involved in these kinds of sided discussion. BUT, that makrab did teach me which one you are, since there were two guys with your name in your batch.
Months later, I found myself doing lunch with the guys of your batch, I sat opposite you and we ordered that same delicious salad you didn't like. They decided that we were gonna do karaoke afterwards, and everyone will pick out a random paper with a number on it, and two people who gets the same number will have to sing together. I first picked out the same number as Tea, but everyone thought it was not fair so we had to do it again. The second one, I nervously opened my paper, and found out I got the same number as you. It made me feel funny inside, since we were never really close.
we sang Lucky by Colbie Caillat.
I didn't know that when we were being indecisive on what song we were going to sing, you were such a supportive and fun person to speak with. I liked you as a person by the end of that day, thought you were quite chill as a friend.
I remembered Tea & I made plans to do a fun-run with you and your two best friends. While we wait for you to arrive, I sat with her at KFC and she asked me, "So, who do you think is ok-looking in our campus?" I startled, and start rating a few guys, I did state, "This doesn't mean I like them, kay? They're just a good ......view." We laughed and started saying 3 good views at campus according to us. I couldn't really understand why when I blurted out your name as my number 1. I knew it was mostly because I like your personality. I've always been someone who's amazed by personalities, not appearance as much. Tea and I are insane together, like I know how il-feel'ing it must be for most people, how loudly we sing in the car, and how perfectly we rap along to Nicky Minaj and Iggy Azalea, or our completely senseless inside jokes.
But you didn't care,
and I like that I didn't have to pretend to be someone else around you.
Then time made us really good friends, I remember how lovely it was that if we started chatting, it would feel like we always have something to say back to each other. It was effortless.
But I'm someone who has way too many guy friends, when a guy is nice to me, I see it as normal as if it's a girl being nice. They're just good friends.
Then, one day my dad took us all to Mecca for pilgrimage. I remembered you stopped texting me when I was there, but I didn't mind, after all, we were just friends. But you did ask me to pray for you in front of the Ka'bah, and I did pray for your thesis and your happiness.
Among a few other prayers I made for my own, I asked God to lead me to someone I'm meant to be with. I have been single for 5 years by then, that the single-life became kind of a part of me. I didn't put any effort into being with anyone either, but believe it or not, shortly after I came back, He led me to you.
Every year, my campus has a booth in university expo, and the students are "hired" to work as marketers, basically. That's when we grew really really close. What happened? I don't know.
All I knew is that you text me every morning asking if I was close to campus because we leave to JCC with your car (which was super generous of you btw, I would ask IPMI to pay for gas at least. :P) and so I start the day with your text, and once I get home, you asked if I've arrived safely, and then the texts never ended with "Yes, I'm home safely." only. We always had something to talk about, and it's nice.
One day, I didn't like the catering, because I don't like beef. I wanted to go alone to get food outside, and you said you were still hungry, so you came with me. I thought it was going to be awkward, but honestly, that was lovely. I told you about my dad not liking his tea served in juice glass and you told me about how your mum gets pretty random and shows up in your room whenever she likes just to tell you current gossip from tv.
Everything grew and grew, until one day after I came back from Bali, you asked me out to GI, and we bought kebab that we never finished, we sat near the big windows where the tables are decorated with fake leaves. I took out some and tried to shoot for your chest pocket. You were adorable and opened it really wide after I failed so many times. I remember you asked me for lunch to Sushi Tei 2 weeks after and you paid for that. So that was definitely a date, right? :P
2 days after, you came to campus and you hadn't had lunch, so I told you I'd accompany you. You went to the restaurant I least liked at the mall behind campus and before leaving back to campus, you stopped me...
you took your wallet out and took a fake leaf I must've threw at your pocket, I startled, "..awww you kept this?", you nodded and told me to keep it, and as I put it inside my wallet, you said, "There's something I want to say. I think you figured this out already, but I might have feelings for you.." I felt my chest pumping. I knew it was coming but just before I could say anything, you proceeded, "...you might wonder why," and you said you wanted to know me better. I was out of words, I told you that we can try. *I'm blushing just writing this*
So that was that.
the best decision I've made to this date. (:
- N
But I thought I'd do it here.
LET ME TAKE YOU BACK TO THE BEGINNING.
I remember my first day at IPMI, I hated every bone in my body that woke me up that day to go to campus for OSPEK. I knew that if this "Ospek" was going to be the traditional bullying rally like what they have in Indonesia, I would walk out and call myself a cab home.
What do I have to fear? expulsion? yeah right, my dad has paid for pre-installment tuition, and I wasn't too eager to make friends anyways. I wouldn't have cared if my seniors hated me.
They took me by surprise when all we did was a game of Amazing Race and BBQ after. I remember You were with G in one of the posts, but his personality was louder, so I remembered his name by the end of the day, but not yours.
Fast forward to months later, my batch and I were secluded since we had a different studying method than others, and I didn't know any of the guys from your batch either, except Yan because he wanted to come to Finland with my batch. After Finland, Tea and I tried to mingle with your batch and joined the Makrab that your batch planned, but you didn't show up. I heard you broke up with your girlfriend, and I only nodded, since I really don't like to be involved in these kinds of sided discussion. BUT, that makrab did teach me which one you are, since there were two guys with your name in your batch.
Months later, I found myself doing lunch with the guys of your batch, I sat opposite you and we ordered that same delicious salad you didn't like. They decided that we were gonna do karaoke afterwards, and everyone will pick out a random paper with a number on it, and two people who gets the same number will have to sing together. I first picked out the same number as Tea, but everyone thought it was not fair so we had to do it again. The second one, I nervously opened my paper, and found out I got the same number as you. It made me feel funny inside, since we were never really close.
we sang Lucky by Colbie Caillat.
I didn't know that when we were being indecisive on what song we were going to sing, you were such a supportive and fun person to speak with. I liked you as a person by the end of that day, thought you were quite chill as a friend.
I remembered Tea & I made plans to do a fun-run with you and your two best friends. While we wait for you to arrive, I sat with her at KFC and she asked me, "So, who do you think is ok-looking in our campus?" I startled, and start rating a few guys, I did state, "This doesn't mean I like them, kay? They're just a good ......view." We laughed and started saying 3 good views at campus according to us. I couldn't really understand why when I blurted out your name as my number 1. I knew it was mostly because I like your personality. I've always been someone who's amazed by personalities, not appearance as much. Tea and I are insane together, like I know how il-feel'ing it must be for most people, how loudly we sing in the car, and how perfectly we rap along to Nicky Minaj and Iggy Azalea, or our completely senseless inside jokes.
But you didn't care,
and I like that I didn't have to pretend to be someone else around you.
Then time made us really good friends, I remember how lovely it was that if we started chatting, it would feel like we always have something to say back to each other. It was effortless.
But I'm someone who has way too many guy friends, when a guy is nice to me, I see it as normal as if it's a girl being nice. They're just good friends.
Then, one day my dad took us all to Mecca for pilgrimage. I remembered you stopped texting me when I was there, but I didn't mind, after all, we were just friends. But you did ask me to pray for you in front of the Ka'bah, and I did pray for your thesis and your happiness.
Among a few other prayers I made for my own, I asked God to lead me to someone I'm meant to be with. I have been single for 5 years by then, that the single-life became kind of a part of me. I didn't put any effort into being with anyone either, but believe it or not, shortly after I came back, He led me to you.
Every year, my campus has a booth in university expo, and the students are "hired" to work as marketers, basically. That's when we grew really really close. What happened? I don't know.
All I knew is that you text me every morning asking if I was close to campus because we leave to JCC with your car (which was super generous of you btw, I would ask IPMI to pay for gas at least. :P) and so I start the day with your text, and once I get home, you asked if I've arrived safely, and then the texts never ended with "Yes, I'm home safely." only. We always had something to talk about, and it's nice.
One day, I didn't like the catering, because I don't like beef. I wanted to go alone to get food outside, and you said you were still hungry, so you came with me. I thought it was going to be awkward, but honestly, that was lovely. I told you about my dad not liking his tea served in juice glass and you told me about how your mum gets pretty random and shows up in your room whenever she likes just to tell you current gossip from tv.
2 days after, you came to campus and you hadn't had lunch, so I told you I'd accompany you. You went to the restaurant I least liked at the mall behind campus and before leaving back to campus, you stopped me...
you took your wallet out and took a fake leaf I must've threw at your pocket, I startled, "..awww you kept this?", you nodded and told me to keep it, and as I put it inside my wallet, you said, "There's something I want to say. I think you figured this out already, but I might have feelings for you.." I felt my chest pumping. I knew it was coming but just before I could say anything, you proceeded, "...you might wonder why," and you said you wanted to know me better. I was out of words, I told you that we can try. *I'm blushing just writing this*
So that was that.
the best decision I've made to this date. (:
- N
Sunday, 27 December 2015
H E L L O .
Welcome to the little diary blog of mine.
I have dedicated an entire blog to my incredible lover,
who will go by the name of B.
May this last a while.
by a while I mean life time.
(:
(Ja) pan/karta.
I'm in Japan currently..
the cold outside is bone-crushing, but I'm tucked in right now, comfortable but missing your hugs more than ever.
The way you breathe in my ear when we cuddle,
the way you get my hair off my face when you tell stories,
and how you look as shadows in the dark.
I know 2 weeks isn't that long, but distance really takes me on a good spin.
Hope you miss my lips as much as I miss yours.
Missing you,
N
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